Grammar and the Proverbs 31 Woman

It’s been several weeks since I began my journey to become a Proverbs 31 wife in 31 days, and a number of people have asked me about my progress. As if they can’t see my Proverbs 31 glow, or see the joy in my husband’s face because I’m serving his every need. Didn’t you all witness my purchase of hamburger buns, just this weekend? Didn’t he announce on Facebook that I was such a loving wife, I’d agreed—today, in fact—to bring him some socks and shoes, because his toes were feeling a little cold in sandals?  
No?
Well, okay, here’s the truth. Despite agreeing to bring my husband some socks and shoes, so far the Proverbs 31 journey has been a difficult one. Part of me wonders if I’m just not cut out for the work of being a Proverbs 31 wife. But a bigger part of me thinks my schooling as an English professor has made me too critical, so that when an author uses a semicolon incorrectly, I start getting a little grumpy, and begin to question the credibility of the book’s author. When an author uses a semicolon in crazy ways, as if she thinks she knows a semicolon needs to be included but has no idea how, and if a book’s editor hasn’t the eyes to change these semicolon mistakes, I get more than grumpy. Irate, almost.
(Lest you think I am being too judgmental about an author, and that I need to get going on my Proverbs 31 true womanhood mien, here’s an example: “The original Hebrew word for fruit in the text is; periy (per-ee).” Are you kidding me? How can I be too judgmental about semicolon use like this?!)
So much for my servant’s heart. But let me just say, too, that the author of The Proverbs 31 Handbookalso pricks several of my other peeves, including
a)   Using the Webster’s Dictionary as a crutch. For nearly every day’s devotion, the author provides a Webster’s definition for something, as if I can’t look up anything myself. If you’ve ever had a class with me, you know how much I hate the Webster’s Dictionary definition.
b)   She continues to refer to God as “Daddy God.” Need I say more about why I find this annoying?
c)    The author manages to base her devotions on every cliché about women in the book. (Ha! Look at how I used a cliché to talk about clichés!) All women do not like buying new shoes, or searching for lots of earrings, or wearing their favorite dresses to church each Sunday.
So here I am, trying to be the proverbial 31 woman, but I can’t even get past the way this book is written. At the same time, I can’t help but think that the Proverbs 31 woman would also make sure her creations are well done.  After all, Proverbs 31:18 says “She tastes and sees that her gain from work is good,” and I think that could be just as much about using semicolons correctly as about “A wife that pleases the Lord keeps her joy during trials,” as Valez claims. (And Agh! Did anyone see the grammatical error in that sentence? A person is a who, not a that!)
Okay, so like I said, this journey toward becoming a Proverbs 31 wife is not going so well for me. Daddy God needs to help me get over my grammatical snobbery, which is weighing me down like an Albatross around my neck. According to Webster’s dictionary, an Albatross is an oceanic bird with a large wing span, which means my cliché doesn’t even make much sense. But neither, so far, does Valez’s book.  Maybe the best thing for me to do now is going shopping for some new shoes, and lots and lots of earrings. Apparently, that’s what I’m supposed to want to do in times of trouble, since I’m a woman after all.