The Ways Halloween is Truly Evil

So, you’ve decided Jesus Ween isn’t for you? Can’t get your mind around having only Harvest Seeds as your Trick-or-Treat treats? Hoping to wear more than just a Jesus Ween white-shirt-of-righteousness outfit for Oct. 31?

Have I got the sexy costumes for you! Or at least for those of you who have little girls, because apparently every parent wants to dress up her girl child in a sexed-up Halloween costume.

And so, in this Halloween edition of “Why Evangelicals Haven’t Cornered The Market On Crazy,” let me describe several costumes now marketed to girls, from teens to younger.

The Sexy Firefighter: So great that costumes are now gender-neutral, so that girls and boys can be firefighters. Back in the day, if we wanted to dress up in a service-orientated costume, we had to be nurses. And who could stand to wear white while eating chocolate? But now, girls can be sexy firefighters, complete with thigh-high boots and black lace top. Because fighting fires with heavy gear on is no fun. I wonder why more fire fighters don’t wear the hot mini?

The Sexy Nurse: Yeah, so, apparently girls can still be nurses. But why wear those white tights, white thick-soled shoes, and frumpy scrubs when you can be a sexy nurse? A Red Cross bikini! Another hot mini! And note that the stethoscope is positioned right where it needs to be: at the heart of a woman’s body.

The Watermelon: Dressing up as fruit and vegetables is an age-old tradition, dating back to the Fruit of the Loom guys, for sure. And being a watermelon for Halloween? Quaint, fun, unique.

And nothing says sexy like watermelon, apparently.

The Baseball Player: You gotta wonder how she is going to round first base in those stiletto heels or slide into home with her hot mini. But who cares? She’s sexy!

The Witch: Nothing more traditional or safe than a witch costume, right? Unless you are an uber conservative Christian, and don’t want to come off as a wiccan. Or if you’ve been reading Harry Potter. Same thing. So why not dress up your daughter as a witch? Even better, why not a sexy witch?! (And with a pumpkin at the crotch, we know this is a friendly witch, so no problem there, huh?)

Honestly. Several years ago when I took my boys to Target to buy their latest iteration of some kind of Star Wars character costume, I was appalled that these costumes were being marketed to elementary school girls and prepubescent girls. It made only a little more sense that they were also being marketed to high school girls. But only a very little.

It made no sense at all that boys could dress up as fire fighters, police officers, or doctors, with nary a “sexy” adjective to be found. It made no sense except for this. Our culture’s double standard when it comes to men and women; its clear objectification of those born female; and its belief that a female’s best asset is her sexy body, ready to give out to anyone who asks: all these things reflect a sexism so pervasive, it has filtered into the Halloween costumes our kids can wear.

In some ways, Jesus Ween doesn’t seem such a bad idea any more.