Dogmatic Gifts, Just In Time For Christmas!

Hey all, though you may not have noticed, Christmas is just around the corner.  If you’re like me, wanting to get your shopping done just days before Christmas—because you love feeling hot and sweaty in your puffy winter coat, dodging huge crowds of annoying last-minute shoppers—then maybe these gift suggestions aren’t for you.
But if you want your gifts to show that Jesus is the reason for the Season! then have I got some ideas. That is, if you realize the best Christmas gifts are those most sanctified—those that explicitly mention Jesus and God and stuff—then read on! Because, who doesn’t love a religiously dogmatic gift, any time of the year!
The most important question for you as you approach the holiday is this: Do you have your SWAG yet?
SWAG, as in, your Saved With Amazing Grace T-shirt, part of a clothing line from the Jesus Christ Loves U Forever company. (I imagine this group is not associated with the Forever 21 line of stores, but hmm . . . do you think the similarity in name is intentional?)
As part of the line, you could also get the Saved, Blessed, and Loved shirts: three different products with words emblazoned prominently across your chest, proudly proclaiming your status with Jesus. Those big-busted women are Saved, Blessed, and Loved more than the rest of us unlucky souls, who are probably Saved, Blessed, and Loved. If you know what I mean.
Maybe you long for more cleverness in your SWAG wear? How about the Daddy’s Girl shirt? The double meaning will not be lost on anyone, because really, aren’t Christian young women supposed to be Daddy’s girl until marriage, but also the “Daughter of the Most High,” as the shirt proclaims?
Is it edginess you seek? Maybe you want to be like the one male model on the JCLU product site, sporting arm tats to show he is edgy but also spiritual in the cool, hard, but Jesus-lovin’ emergent church way.
Or, maybe, you wear your edginess like your desperation, eager to announce that you love Church Boys, with the scriptural allusion to 2 Corinthians 6 letting the unyoked know they best not ask.
JCLU loves scripture, too, and makes a nice nod to the women of the Bible who matter most. You could buy the shirt that announces “A virgin, a queen, a harlot, a slave, a purpose” and let people decide which of these best describes God’s design for women—and for you—in the upcoming year. If evangelical culture has taught us anything, after all, it’s that women in the Bible have only a few roles; and a leader, a disciple, and a prophet ain’t among them.
If you’re not really in to wearing SWAG at Christmas time, there are other ways to proclaim that Jesus Christ Loves U Forever, including a Facebook page and a Pinterest site, where you can find all those beautiful pictures of sunsets and kittens, accompanied by inspiring Jesus-y sayings you can paste all over your Facebook page, crowding the news feed of cynical folks who tire of being told we should share the kitty picture if we also love Jesus.
To show that I’m not that cynical, though, here you go. If you love Jesus, you’ll repost this picture, for sure.