Single and Special* (*Kinda, So You Better Make Yourself Marriage Material, Pronto!)

Any chance you’re still a single girl, waiting for The One? You know, a girl who longs to be married, and is chaffing in that special, special time of singleness? Are you a girl in your twenties who could be using her “extended period of independence” as a time to prepare for the Man who will save you?

Well, girl, head on over to Resurgence, an online ministry of none other than Mars Hills Church, where you can learn about “Marriage and the Single Girl,” and discover eight exciting things you can be doing right now! as you “navigate singleness in preparation for marriage.” (‘Cause heck! We all know that navigating singleness is all about preparing for marriage? Can I get an amen?!)

Of course, of course, the caveat: Not everyone is called to marry. God will indeed demand some folks be single. (And ‘tis a pity if it’s you, single girl.) But at “the core of most women is a desire to marry.” Check out Genesis and Adam and Eve and stuff, if you are unconvinced.

So what’s a single girl, waiting for a man, to do—beyond putting great wedding ideas up on Pinterest, just in case?

Well, single girl, one thing you can do is practice your domestic skills! Heaven forefend if your “last dinner was a Lean Cuisine and a diet soda,” because we all know that Lean Cuisine is a metaphor for crappy domestic skills and the need for every single girl to lose a little weight.

Instead, you should be learning to cook and clean, and if your skills are already lacking, you might want to take some classes or talk to the Titus 2 women in your midst. You’ve got a lot of learning to do before you marry, after all, and even though the Bible does say that God’s design is for women to clean house and etc., even God’s designed roles take some practice. You know that, single girl.

If you're going to practice submission by making sandwiches, do not use Lean Cuisine, which is a metaphor for pathetic singleness, don't you know?

If you’re going to practice submission by making sandwiches, do not use Lean Cuisine, which is a metaphor for pathetic singleness, don’t you know?

While you’re learning to make something better than Lean Cuisine, you also need to get some accountability. Because let’s face it, singleness is “a moral minefield,” and God knows what you’ll do if you don’t have a church community keeping you in line. Besides, as the Resurgence article suggests—and any good, Bible-believin’ Christian knows—there are only two people in this world with whom you will build a life-long covenant relationship: Jesus, and your husband. You better start practicing righteousness now, single girl, because your husband (and Jesus!) will be very, very disappointed in you once you marry.

Submission, too: You need to start practicing submission while you wait. As the article says, submission has been a woman’s “hang-up” since Eve (darn that Eve, ruining it for all of us), and it’s going to get you in trouble, too, unless you start submitting to authority now. Otherwise, your marriage will be a “disaster.” You should work them submission muscles and “defer to authority with gladness,” whether that be in the workplace or at home with your parents or at school. Make sandwiches all around, is what I’m thinking. That way, you can practice submission and your domestic skills.

Oh, and single girl? Since you aren’t married yet, you have tons and tons of free time to do other stuff (you know, because married life makes you more important and busier, and single folks really have no life to speak of). With your gobs of free time, you need to be reading the Bible and praying, evangelizing and going on mission trips. Using this time wisely “will fuel you once you are married and have children,” because those little soul-suckers will take it out of you if you aren’t prepared.

So, single girl, I know you want a man in your life. But you’re really in no place right now to be blessed. You’ve got work to do, because no man is going to want a sorry, imperfect girl like you. I know this season of life can be hard, what with everyone around you getting blessed by God in marriage. As the Resurgence article suggests, though, “If your singleness lasts longer than you’d planned, take heart that you are ultimately becoming more and more like Jesus.”

Next Friday night, when you’re at home eating Lean Cuisine, you can ponder your Christ-likeness, while all your married friends enjoy the life God really, really wants you to have, if only you were a little bit better a girl than you are now.