Halloween is closing in,so it must be time for my third annual Halloween blog post, a way for me to express exactly what Christian women should be doing on this hallowed day. If I’ve learned anything in the last two years of blogging, it’s that women need to be told what to do, because they can’t think for themselves.
I know Halloween must be close because I spent (what seemed like) several tedious hours in two local stores, trying to get my kids to pick out a costume that wouldn’t look stupid, that didn’t advocate violence, and that didn’t break the bank. Which means, this year, both boys will be wearing my Scooby-Do costume circa 1978.
Some kind (?) friends suggested I make the costumes on my own, as any loving mother might for her children. I noted just a hint of sarcasm in the suggestion, as if I didn’t know how to sew or craft or something. So you must know that my butterfly blouse won a purple ribbon at the 1979 Marion County Fair, and my patchwork pillow a white ribbon. It was the devastation of the fourth place finish that made me hang up my needle for good. I’m sure the judging was rigged.
Anyway. I’ve decided not to wear my sexy police officer costume to various Jesus-ween functions this year. It all got a little confusing last October, when I tried to handcuff someone for getting mustard on his white cloak of righteousness. Instead, I’ve been searching the web, looking for the latest in Christian Halloween costumes. If you’re going to celebrate Halloween as a Christian, I say you better celebrate it right (eously). Fortunately, the Internet has all manner of suggestions for Christian costumes. Consider, if you will
- Dressing up as a judge, complete with gavel and robe. People might confuse you as one of those constitution-hating Supreme Court justices, but you’re really dressing up as the Book of Judges. Real Christians will know that. (Similarly, wearing a crown means you’re not a king, but the Book of Kings. Duh.)
- If you have seven friends to hang with on Halloween, you can be the ten plagues of Egypt. If I had to choose, in a pinch, I’d take dibs on pestilence.
- Even though we’re not really sure whether Catholics are Christians, apparently it’s legit to dress up in all manner of Catholic polity for your Christian Halloween. The nun I once worked for wore street clothes, as do the fathers I know (plus a clerical collar) so that’s probably not going to win you any costume awards. Nor will wearing the Naughty Nun or Sinister Sister costume to your church’s harvest party, I’m guessing.
- Moses is big in Christian costuming. So is Noah. So is David, and Goliath. So are several of the women in the Bible we often read about in Sunday school. No wait. We don’t read about women in the Bible during Sunday school. But hey, if you want, you could probably go as Noah’s wife. Or something.
- Any figure in a nativity makes a great Christian Halloween costume: the shepherds, the three kings, Joseph, even Mary (best for those women with babes in arms who still want to party hard at the Harvest Festival, of course).
- Those with a good dose of hubris can always settle for dressing as Jesus at Halloween: You know, go big or go home. Or, alternatively, stringing a few glow sticks to your body makes an easy Holy Ghost costume. I’m not sure exactly how that works, because I always conceived of the Holy Ghost as having more of a string-of-Christmas-light type mien. But maybe my conception of the Holy Ghost is totally 1986 or something.
You may be wondering what biblical costume I’ll wear this Halloween. Why, the Proverbs 31 woman, of course. Yes, yes, I know that’s my everyday uniform, but after getting up before dawn, cooking my family’s meals, making a profit for the household, and sewing my kids’ costumes from scratch, it’s the best I can do.